Im Coping Well....

"I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.
My heart throbs,
and at times my strength fails me.
The light from my eyes,
even that has gone from me,
I know shall come back to me."

It crazy how time fly's by....its soon to be two whole years since my little sister passed I don't think there is ever a day that passes by that i don't think about her.

I had never experienced death so close to home. I had never experienced the death of someone I deeply and truly cared about. It took me some time to really cope and actually acknowledge the cold fact that my sister was gone forever.

I can remember how it happened as if were yesterday, She passed a week after her fourteenth birthday. I remember that morning which was the last time I had spoke to her. I was on my way out to work with my parents and I asked her how I looked and I asked her what she had thought about my new sun glasses. She smiled and said “you always look nice when can I borrow those glasses.” I laughed at her and said “never.” I would always call her my little personal stylist and took joy in having her around because I knew she looked up to me and admired me. However I still always wish that the last thing I would have said to her was “I love you” just one last time.

The hardest part for me to deal with was how sudden this had happened. Six hours later from when I had just spoke to my sister, my mother receives a phone call from a little girl on the other end yelling “Haja, Haja she’s drowning she’s drowning, we can’t see her.”

During that day my sister Haja and my younger sister Chernoh (who is now nine years old) went with two cousins and some friends to a lake to swim. My younger sister went into the water first but did not know how to swim so as my older sister saw her struggling she jumped in after her to help, however neither of them knew how to swim they were both struggling. This is when one of their friends jumped in, she was the only one there who knew how to swim. She managed to help my younger sister but when she turned to grab Haja she had already went under water. By this time we had just received a call from one of the kids.

We were in complete shock, we didn’t understand, we were in denial. In a car filled with tears, screams and sorrow, my father weakened and numb, unable to feel his legs as he cried out, managed to drive us an hour back home. At this point everything felt like an outer body experience for me. As we pulled up to scene we see a street filled with people, police cars, ambulances, fire trucks, cameras and news reporters. We approached the scene to find out what exactly happened and my mother suddenly fainted. She was then rushed to the hospital.

After five hours of intense searching, divers recovered my sisters body. At this point I was in extreme disbelief, I was in denial. I stood there numb as they delivered the tragic news to my father. I yelled, screamed and cried out that she was not dead. I fell to the ground in tears demanding to see the body, to see if she was really dead. I refused to leave until it was proven that my sister was dead. I fought people off that tried to console me, I fought people off who tried to take me home. Eventually I had to be carried home as I was still resistant.

By this time family from everywhere had arrived, New York, Philadelphia, Maryland, neighbors in my development and people in our community came over. It was tons of people in my home grieving and making attempts to keep my family sane. People were there to really support us and help my family through this tragic time. However for a full week straight I was inconsolable. I hardly spoke to anyone, I just wanted to be left alone, and at this point no one’s words meant anything to me. I felt as if they did not know or understand what I was going through, mentally, emotionally, or physically.

I missed her so hard that at that time I felt like life could not go on for me.

However over the months I got better, I learned to cope and deal with death. I learned that it was okay to cry, and to release my pain, and I learned it wasn’t okay to let it consume and take control of my life. The strength of my mother and father helped me become strong as well.

So I never question God why he took my sister at only age 14. I have a strong feeling in my heart she's in a better place.

"She is an eternal, immortal soul who continues to live in another dimension more beautiful than the one in which I currently exist."

I never missed anyone as much as i miss her...May her soul Rest in Peace..7/11/1994-7/18/2008